Patience: One thing I pretty much never had. And now…? If I am asked to single out a single quality that is required in being a parent… well…. that would be PATIENCE. Lots and lots of it. Some days no matter how far your tolerance level is reached, it still gets crossed.
Why do babies want us to lose our minds? i dont understand. why wont they sleep when its time for them to sleep and even their eyes are suggesting that they are sleepy, but some fake energy tells them to keep on playing/shouting/irritating..
Hamza is giving me an extremely hard time whenever we go outside. He hates driving in the car! Absolutely hates it. And now he wont sit down even for a second. I dont know from where he gets his Herculean (i made it up) force and power. He beats me at strength! at few days short of 9 months! It gets extremely hard to control him in the car. He seems to thrash open the door or jump out of the windscreen! Needless to say i go absolutely nuts!
A sense of helplessness, hopelessness comes over me in such situations when i cant seem to control his intentions, wishes, actions. The kind of feeling when you know you have tried more than enough, put in an immense amount of effort into a task but it still is FAR from getting completed. Sigh. Like right now, i had been rocking him to sleep for an hour and a half, wanting to have a few alone minutes to myself before i doze off too. But he had other plans. And not letting his mother have peace was one of them, apparently. I tasted blood from where i bit my under lip to relieve some of the anger and helplessness.
I guess I am just having a bad day and taking it out on my baby, which is not fair to him also. Cause the best moments of any day are also given by him. The hysterically uncontrollable laughter at my peek-a-boo while he was in crib was definitely the highlight of my
day night. I love him so. I am just a bit short on help on handling him and by night time, I am so done!
Well……. Here is hoping to a better and calmer tomorrow (please dear God).
Taking care of a baby all day, every day, alone, is hard. It consumes all of your energy, strength, patience and leaves you drenched and flustered sometimes. Specially when the baby is suffering from diarrhoea and beginning to crawl (both not related, but both demanding extra attention and work).
I have always been the hardest working person I know (no I am not being complacent, its a fact). In school, college, university, job, I have always put in more effort than others and maybe more than required. But while doing so, there was always a relief factor that after the exams — summer will come, after a certain test — there will be an evening off, after a project deadline — there will be semester break, after a certain work presentation — there will be a lunch break or weekend or just a plain day-end! These were the luxuries of student and working days… How dearly I miss them, only I can know that feeling, brings tears to my eyes.
Now —- there is no such luxury, no break whatsoever. Even if I am sick, even if i am sleepy, tired, hungry, needing to go to the bathroom, or whatever.. there is no break. i don’t remember the last time i watched something on laptop or tv. must be before H was born. I try to read sometimes, even if my eyes are too heavy and drooping, even if just for five minutes i try to read before dozing off each night. I try daily to write a blog post, but succeed only twice a week or so. There is always milk to be given, food to be fed, diaper to be changed, and when the blessed naptime does come, there are feeders to be washed, meals to be prepared, laundry to be done. And before even the chores are completed, naptime is over. Yay!
In such situations, I miss having a husband who would understand me. Who would stop comparing his job to my mommying. Who would for goddamn’s sake realize that no job in the world can be compared to raising a child. its not a job, its a lifestyle change. And i wished that it was a lifestyle change not just for a single parent only. I wish he participated even when i didnt ask him too. i wish he could feed him food, or put him to sleep or change his diaper (not as a novice but as a parent) so that i could have a little off time when he is home. but he is not interested. he has made it clear many times. its not that he is always working when home, he is mostly playing games, or facebooking, or watching videos or seasons. And he thinks because he does such an important job, therefore he deserves a break in the evening. whereas i just take care of a baby which should be no big deal so i dont deserve any break whatsoever. Aren’t I a lucky girl?
I read about mommys in online community where they talk about how awesome and supportive their husbands are. and i also read about single mommys. and i cant help but compare myself always to the single mommys. cause even he is home, he is just sitting facing laptop or tv handing hamza a cellphone or cable or remote control. and meanwhile thinking in his head that he is helping. that he is managing hamza.
i could go on and on but whats the use, noone is listening. i feel alone. desserted. misunderstood. angry. frustrated. but still cant give up. cant give up even for a second. must hold back tears and pray to God he sends me some help or knock some sense into my husband.
one other luxury is miss : crying my heart out! now i cant, cause i have a baby to watch.
Now i understand why is it mentioned in The Holy Quran that there is Heaven beneath the feet of mothers. God is watching. And thats all that truly matters. I hope to rewarded someday. Some freakin day!