Celebrating tiny moments is what life is all about, no? We like to think it is. 🙂
Hoping for a relaxing weekend ahead.
Taking care of a baby all day, every day, alone, is hard. It consumes all of your energy, strength, patience and leaves you drenched and flustered sometimes. Specially when the baby is suffering from diarrhoea and beginning to crawl (both not related, but both demanding extra attention and work).
I have always been the hardest working person I know (no I am not being complacent, its a fact). In school, college, university, job, I have always put in more effort than others and maybe more than required. But while doing so, there was always a relief factor that after the exams — summer will come, after a certain test — there will be an evening off, after a project deadline — there will be semester break, after a certain work presentation — there will be a lunch break or weekend or just a plain day-end! These were the luxuries of student and working days… How dearly I miss them, only I can know that feeling, brings tears to my eyes.
Now —- there is no such luxury, no break whatsoever. Even if I am sick, even if i am sleepy, tired, hungry, needing to go to the bathroom, or whatever.. there is no break. i don’t remember the last time i watched something on laptop or tv. must be before H was born. I try to read sometimes, even if my eyes are too heavy and drooping, even if just for five minutes i try to read before dozing off each night. I try daily to write a blog post, but succeed only twice a week or so. There is always milk to be given, food to be fed, diaper to be changed, and when the blessed naptime does come, there are feeders to be washed, meals to be prepared, laundry to be done. And before even the chores are completed, naptime is over. Yay!
In such situations, I miss having a husband who would understand me. Who would stop comparing his job to my mommying. Who would for goddamn’s sake realize that no job in the world can be compared to raising a child. its not a job, its a lifestyle change. And i wished that it was a lifestyle change not just for a single parent only. I wish he participated even when i didnt ask him too. i wish he could feed him food, or put him to sleep or change his diaper (not as a novice but as a parent) so that i could have a little off time when he is home. but he is not interested. he has made it clear many times. its not that he is always working when home, he is mostly playing games, or facebooking, or watching videos or seasons. And he thinks because he does such an important job, therefore he deserves a break in the evening. whereas i just take care of a baby which should be no big deal so i dont deserve any break whatsoever. Aren’t I a lucky girl?
I read about mommys in online community where they talk about how awesome and supportive their husbands are. and i also read about single mommys. and i cant help but compare myself always to the single mommys. cause even he is home, he is just sitting facing laptop or tv handing hamza a cellphone or cable or remote control. and meanwhile thinking in his head that he is helping. that he is managing hamza.
i could go on and on but whats the use, noone is listening. i feel alone. desserted. misunderstood. angry. frustrated. but still cant give up. cant give up even for a second. must hold back tears and pray to God he sends me some help or knock some sense into my husband.
one other luxury is miss : crying my heart out! now i cant, cause i have a baby to watch.
Now i understand why is it mentioned in The Holy Quran that there is Heaven beneath the feet of mothers. God is watching. And thats all that truly matters. I hope to rewarded someday. Some freakin day!
Well I am back to the blog after almost two months. Why didnt I write earlier? I have been a hell lot of busy and then a hell lot of lazy. Each day I woke up with this determination to write a blogpost but then get caught up in the whirlwind of Mommying and Housekeeping. But not today. Feels good to be back. I have so much to share… so much to write… so many pictures… so many thoughts….
The main reason which kept me from writing in the start was a vacation with my husband. Kind of like a second honeymoon. We went on a mini Euro trip while my parents babysat Hamza. So first I had to go to Lahore, spend a week there so that Hamza gets used to to my Mom. Then I was off for two weeks having THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE. then back to Lahore. Two weeks there. Then back to Karachi. Its been a week since I am back. Getting settled after sucha long break. Spec with an almost 8 months old who wants to be played with ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!!! And FYI, nap times? what naptimes? he wants just playtimes. with his Mommy. Without even so much as a peeing break for me. Sigh. Life is brilliant.
Some things in life are so simple, yet so beautiful and cherishable. One such thing is watching your younger brother play/love/bond with your little one. Its priceless. I dont know how to put it exactly, but I have noticed that being with Saim brings out the boyish side of Hamza. Its a treat to watch his open laughters, and such abrupt, naughty and excited responses and gestures. Adorable is the word.
My dear Hamzu — You are 5 months old today. Where did the time go? They say it passes really quickly when you are having a good one, they are right. You are the most awesome little person I have ever met. You take my breath my away with your open mouthed smiles and giggles. I feel so much love for you that I didnt know was possible. And I am astounded by the fact that my love for you keeps on increasing each day.. How is it possible to love you more than (by any ounce) i do now? But i know tomorrow my heart will be more filled.
I love you. But the fact that baffles me is how much YOU love ME!!!! I see so much love for me in your kind, sweet eyes that it makes my heart break! When your eyes sparkle upon seeing me, i feel on top of the world. Its the best feeling. Period.
They arent kidding when they say that you blink and they are fully grown… I have decided to stop blinking from now on.
Going down the memory lane with your pictures of past 5 months…