Tag Archives: motherhood

On Motherhood

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I feel so bad these days, for nt giving proper attention to my baby. All day i m consumed with house chores, even if hez 24 hrs infront of my eyes, i m miss him. Miss playing with him. Miss watching him. Miss being silly with him. All i do is change him, feed him n make him sleep, while keeping an eye for his safety all the time. But thts nt enough! Just now wen he was in my lap, n i was stroking his hair putting him to sleep, i realized how grown up he is, tht he can b by himself for such long intervals of time. He does ask for me in between my cooking sessions or watever, but mostly i m so tied up tht i  just distract him with something else n continue with work.

One day, he ll be all grown up and he wont need me anymore. I dont want that day to come soon. I want to protect him, i want him to live under my feathers for as long as possible. My baby. My piece of heart. I will always (even now) need you more than you will need me.

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I like boring things.

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I never knew i was such a conventional person at heart. But lately, I am coming to more and more realisations about myself. I am learning to accept myself finally for what I am, and not what my idea of myself is.

I like boring things. I like freshly made beds, the smell of just-laundered clothes, the sound of soup simmering away on the stove, the background sound of tv as I accomplish daily household chores.

I like putting away messes of cluttered objects many times a day, thanks to my toddler son. I like doing things as planned. I like putting stuff back in order. It gives a strange satisfaction and makes me feel like i am in control of my life. Its the little things that matter so much to me. That my baby has napped well, he has eaten his lunch etc.

I like to stay on top of things. There is always milk in the fridge, snacks in the pantry. And when not, I like making lists. I LOVE making lists. and then checking off the completed items.

I have accepted that i am a domestic person at heart. There is nothing that gives me more happiness than seeing my little family together at the end of the day, whether its when my husband is working on his laptop and my baby is busy making messes around the family room and I am sipping on tea while the tv blares in background, or its when the three of us are taking a drive around the city, or when my boys are finally sleeping with their mouths agape and their limbs arranged in a disorderly fashion. God my heart swells with love for these two. I want nothing more. Just their happiness and well-being and health. (and maybe an occasional chance to go to the movies, its been sooooo long i tell u).

Although we muslims dont celebrate Thanksgiving but I personally think its an amazing holiday, which allows a person to express his gratitude.

I am grateful for the two boys in my home. They make me so happy.

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I am raising a boy.

When I was pregnant with Hamza, all I dreamt about was having a little girl. I made myself to believe that it IS a girl. After all, i was the mother, i was supposed to have these motherly instincts that tipped me off. I wanted to buy those cute little dresses, bows, hair clips, skirts, frocks, bangles, fantasised about having tea parties with my girl, playing house, doing dress up, all things girly (which was a surprise since I am not a very girly person myself). Whenever i went to shopping for the baby, i saw these huge aisle after aisle of clothes for baby girls, and always just a small corner for the boys stuff. I used to wander between those racks and got all excited about the day when the doctor will confirm my prediction that its a girl and i will rush back here and get all cute stuff for my coming princess.

At my 20 week ultrasound appointment, me and the husband were obviously very thrilled. He wanted a boy, i was so smug that i was gonna prove him wrong in a few minutes. When the doctor pressed the ultrasound tool over my belly and announced that its definitely a boy, i was surprised by my own rush of emotions. I, who had never doubted for even a second that it will be a girl, looked up to my husband with those happy tears in his eyes, and came to realize how happy I myself am over hearing this. The truth is it didn’t matter whether it was a girl or a boy for both of us, but the fact that we finally knew what it was, gave the whole pregnancy situation the reality factor that was somehow missing. Now we could finally stop fantasising about it, and live and prepare for the reality.

And oh boy, do i love being the mommy of this little monster of a boy! Its the best thing! I love how different he is from me. how much more energetic even at 14 months. Always a blur of motion and activity. Never a still moment in this boy’s life. All the climbing up on chairs, tables, windows, you name it. The curiosity to dissect every thing his little hand touches. The instinct to always check every object by thrashing it against any surface a few times. You know, just to prove who is the boss around here. And thats why the toy baskets are always filled with mismatched, broken heap of toys.

He loves being thrown in air, and doing all kinds of stunts with his Dad, even though sometimes they extract terrified squeals from me. 

Its my utmost pleasure to see the way his personality is shaping up to be. I cant put words to it, but he has this manner of taking care of me. Like whenever he is eating or drinking anything, he would offer me again and again and will be very happy doing that. If I am sad or sometimes crying infront of him (i m not proud of it, but it happens), he would run to me, hug me, pat my face and the concern that his eyes shows for me —- my hearts overflows with emotion!

Annnddddd what do you know…!!! I love shopping for you! Its my favourite thing to do now. One thing i always failed to achieve was get my brother or husband buy clothes of my choice. I really like boys clothes, but they never listened to my suggestions. Ha! too bad for them! Cause now i have my very personal male model to dress up 😉 (and i am not boasting, but i kind of have this amazing taste in clothes so you my child, are in safe hands).

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Motherhood — the sweetest, purest pleasure

Dear Hamza, the day you were born changed my life. I came across such love and passion that i did not know existed. I experienced such rush of emotion that it overwhelmed me and i forgot all about the pain of the c-section that was performed to deliver you, i forgot i was drugged so heavily that i was supposed to sleep most of the time but after laying my eyes on you my precious boy, i could not even blink, did not want to take any chance on missing any moment with you. You were so perfect! You ARE so perfect. You were a snowball, the most beautiful baby i had ever seen. I was so amazed that i gave birth to YOU. How was that possible that something so beautiful, so perfect, came out of me. God is kind. For you, i m a million times grateful and then some more. You completed me. Gave me a purpose of life. I have never enjoyed anything more than i enjoy being you Mama. Its the best thing. I have finally found where I belong. I have never experience anything more fulfilling and rewarding.
Now you are almost 15 months old. How did that happen so fast? They say time flies when you are having a good one, they are right. You are the happiest baby i have ever seen. The most charming, the most social, interactive, playful, mischievious…. You are truly your own person. The way your mind works, its pure genius. You understand EVERY thing these days. You follow some instructions quite magnificently (like passing the remote, doing high five, waving, pointing to the light and plants when asked etc etc). Just this evening, you discovered music and the dance moves with you, haha, you are so fun to watch each day and live with!
You want to share everything with me these days, whether its you food, milk, dummy, or any toy you are playing with, i didnt teach you this yet, yet you do it, thats why you are so amazing! Cause you are learning on you own. Becoming this little person with his own habits and ways. So perfect in you imperfections. I feel very clever everyday for having created you.
The best thing about you is your kind and loving heart. You have so much love and warmth for everyone around you. You are really lucky and blessed to have so many amazing people love you so dearly, and maybe thats why you have learnt to be so loving in return. You spread smiles and happiness everywhere you go.
You started walking about a month ago, and that makes you happy and proud beyond any other thing! Strutting all day long all over the house now, this stage is most definitely my favourite one! Yes, there are more messes, but there is also more laughter, more love in our home now due to you. And for that my child, I am so thankful to you.

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I promise to be by your side always and forever, no matter what. I love you to the moon and back. You made me the luckiest. You made me the happiest.

Dear Hamza.

My dear Hamza,

You are such a special little person. i believe you are the perfect one. i love your sparkling eyes, that bright up at any sign of mischief, your full giggling laughter, your little teeth showing when you smile or make those adorable new faces that i have no idea from where you learn. You really are a beautiful baby and I cant believe how i got to be so lucky as to have you as my own.

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But the best thing about you is your beautiful, kind heart. You have such a fun and loving personality that amazes me every second of the day. Your awesome sense of humour, the way you laugh at yourself when you know you have done something stupid. Your ability to understand jokes as I make them to you and you always respond by laughing. Your mind…. its genius i can tell.

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You are just so much fun to be around. Always making me happy with you little ways. You are crawling all over the house. But most of all, you love to stand with anything that you can find as a support and then you walk while holding it. You are learning so many new things by the day!

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You love me and your dad so so much! We are the luckiest. it melts my heart the way you are always running after your dad, when he is around, you even fail to notice me, you have eyes only for him. But i wont complain, cause these days your favourite thing also happens to be kissing your mama 😉

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You just love any pictures of us hanging on the walls or any artwork for that matter. It excites you much to see those things, the spark in your eyes and the happiness on your face is unmatchable then.

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You make me so so happy every day and with each passing day i love you more and more. You are really precious lil one. May God always protect you from any evil or bad luck.DSC_7309

 

There is Heaven beneath my feet.

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Taking care of a baby all day, every day, alone, is hard. It consumes all of your energy, strength, patience and leaves you drenched and flustered sometimes. Specially when the baby is suffering from diarrhoea and beginning to crawl (both not related, but both demanding extra attention and work).

I have always been the hardest working person I know (no I am not being complacent, its a fact). In school, college, university, job, I have always put in more effort than others and maybe more than required. But while doing so, there was always a relief factor that after the exams — summer will come, after a certain test — there will be an evening off, after a project deadline — there will be semester break, after a certain work presentation — there will be a lunch break or weekend or just a plain day-end! These were the luxuries of student and working days… How dearly I miss them, only I can know that feeling, brings tears to my eyes.

Now —- there is no such luxury, no break whatsoever. Even if I am sick, even if i am sleepy, tired, hungry, needing to go to the bathroom, or whatever.. there is no break. i don’t remember the last time i watched something on laptop or tv. must be before H was born. I try to read sometimes, even if my eyes are too heavy and drooping, even if just for five minutes i try to read before dozing off each night. I try daily to write a blog post, but succeed only twice a week or so. There is always milk to be given, food to be fed, diaper to be changed, and when the blessed naptime does come, there are feeders to be washed, meals to be prepared, laundry to be done. And before even the chores are completed, naptime is over. Yay!

In such situations, I miss having a husband who would understand me. Who would stop comparing his job to my mommying. Who would for goddamn’s sake realize that no job in the world can be compared to raising a child. its not a job, its a lifestyle change. And i wished that it was a lifestyle change not just for a single parent only. I wish he participated even when i didnt ask him too. i wish he could feed him food, or put him to sleep or change his diaper (not as a novice but as a parent) so that i could have a little off time when he is home. but he is not interested. he has made it clear many times. its not that he is always working when home, he is mostly playing games, or facebooking, or watching videos or seasons. And he thinks because he does such an important job, therefore he deserves a break in the evening. whereas i just take care of a baby which should be no big deal so i dont deserve any break whatsoever. Aren’t I a lucky girl?

I read about mommys in online community where they talk about how awesome and supportive their husbands are. and i also read about single mommys. and i cant help but compare myself always to the single mommys. cause even he is home, he is just sitting facing laptop or tv handing hamza a cellphone or cable or remote control. and meanwhile thinking in his head that he is helping. that he is managing hamza.

i could go on and on but whats the use, noone is listening. i feel alone. desserted. misunderstood. angry. frustrated. but still cant give up. cant give up even for a second. must hold back tears and pray to God he sends me some help or knock some sense into my husband.

one other luxury is miss : crying my heart out! now i cant, cause i have a baby to watch.

Now i understand why is it mentioned in  The Holy Quran that there is Heaven beneath the feet of mothers. God is watching. And thats all that truly matters. I hope to rewarded someday. Some freakin day!

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