Taking care of a baby all day, every day, alone, is hard. It consumes all of your energy, strength, patience and leaves you drenched and flustered sometimes. Specially when the baby is suffering from diarrhoea and beginning to crawl (both not related, but both demanding extra attention and work).
I have always been the hardest working person I know (no I am not being complacent, its a fact). In school, college, university, job, I have always put in more effort than others and maybe more than required. But while doing so, there was always a relief factor that after the exams — summer will come, after a certain test — there will be an evening off, after a project deadline — there will be semester break, after a certain work presentation — there will be a lunch break or weekend or just a plain day-end! These were the luxuries of student and working days… How dearly I miss them, only I can know that feeling, brings tears to my eyes.
Now —- there is no such luxury, no break whatsoever. Even if I am sick, even if i am sleepy, tired, hungry, needing to go to the bathroom, or whatever.. there is no break. i don’t remember the last time i watched something on laptop or tv. must be before H was born. I try to read sometimes, even if my eyes are too heavy and drooping, even if just for five minutes i try to read before dozing off each night. I try daily to write a blog post, but succeed only twice a week or so. There is always milk to be given, food to be fed, diaper to be changed, and when the blessed naptime does come, there are feeders to be washed, meals to be prepared, laundry to be done. And before even the chores are completed, naptime is over. Yay!
In such situations, I miss having a husband who would understand me. Who would stop comparing his job to my mommying. Who would for goddamn’s sake realize that no job in the world can be compared to raising a child. its not a job, its a lifestyle change. And i wished that it was a lifestyle change not just for a single parent only. I wish he participated even when i didnt ask him too. i wish he could feed him food, or put him to sleep or change his diaper (not as a novice but as a parent) so that i could have a little off time when he is home. but he is not interested. he has made it clear many times. its not that he is always working when home, he is mostly playing games, or facebooking, or watching videos or seasons. And he thinks because he does such an important job, therefore he deserves a break in the evening. whereas i just take care of a baby which should be no big deal so i dont deserve any break whatsoever. Aren’t I a lucky girl?
I read about mommys in online community where they talk about how awesome and supportive their husbands are. and i also read about single mommys. and i cant help but compare myself always to the single mommys. cause even he is home, he is just sitting facing laptop or tv handing hamza a cellphone or cable or remote control. and meanwhile thinking in his head that he is helping. that he is managing hamza.
i could go on and on but whats the use, noone is listening. i feel alone. desserted. misunderstood. angry. frustrated. but still cant give up. cant give up even for a second. must hold back tears and pray to God he sends me some help or knock some sense into my husband.
one other luxury is miss : crying my heart out! now i cant, cause i have a baby to watch.
Now i understand why is it mentioned in The Holy Quran that there is Heaven beneath the feet of mothers. God is watching. And thats all that truly matters. I hope to rewarded someday. Some freakin day!